Many things prompted me to write this post.
The most obvious – this week is one year since my son, Josiah, died. Josiah was stillborn at 37-weeks. He is our first child. We found out he died on August 22nd and he was born on August 25th.
Another thing that made me want to write it, as dumb as this may sound - I am watching Grey’s Anatomy, a guilty pleasure of mine. It is a re-run on TV, for those who know the series well, the season 2 finale just aired, and now season 3 premiere is on. Izzie’s fiancé, Denny, has just died. She is laying on the bathroom floor in the prom dress she was wearing when she found out Denny died. Her friends and co-workers are individually going into talk to her, to try to get her off the floor and out of the dress. They try many different approaches, but they are mostly just saying things, none of which Izzie cares to hear. (If you are not a lover of Grey’s – that whole story probably sounded crazy, sorry, please read on.)
The things that Izzie heard are not the all the same as those that I have heard in the last year. But the clichés that have been said to myself and my husband often end up hurting, much more than they could ever help. The difficult thing is, as hurtful as they all are, they are said in love and with the best intentions to be helpful, healing and provide comfort.
Let me unwrap what I hear when such things are said to me. Please know, I hold no ill will toward anyone who has said them. I myself was guilty of thinking many of them before losing Josiah. But I think it is important to know what is heard when these things are said.
(Also a disclaimer – this is how I have heard them, I don’t speak for every grieving person, but I think many would agree with these feelings.)
Absolutely anything about ‘God’s plan’ This may bring comfort and hope to some people, and my wish is not to take that away from them, but it is not who I understand God to be. I don’t believe that God plans for horrible things to happen to God’s people. I also don’t believe we could ever know ‘God’s plan’ or if God has some master plan. When we talk about God in this way, it makes it sound like God is a puppet master, just deciding to clip some strings as God pleases – and that is not who I believe God to be. I don’t know why God didn’t intervene so that Josiah did not die, but I don’t find truth in calling this tragedy God’s plan. I believe God wants us to live happy abundant lives, but part of life includes horrible things, but this is not God’s will for us. We do have a promise that God is with us in our pain and we have the promise of resurrection hope. So let us share God’s promises, not guess about what we think God’s plan is.
‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘It was meant to be’ This is probably one of the lines that I said the most before Josiah died. Even as my own dad died when I was 22, I remember telling myself this all the time. Saying it somehow made me feel like there was no other alternative, it had to happen. But really, this is the reality we live in, once something has happened, there is no other alternative, it has happened – we don’t know if it had to, but what if is a game that you cannot win. Some of this relates back to what I have said about God’s plan, I guess all in all, I don’t think we live in a predetermined world where we can say something was meant to be, we live in a world where once things happen, that is unchangeable, and it has happened. As for ‘everything happens for a reason’, I think, yes, as we process and grieve we grow and learn things about the world, ourselves and God – but I do not think that is why they happen, I often jokingly say if that were the case I would much rather have just read the book on it instead. I guess the only truth I find in that saying though is yes, things happens for reasons – my dad died because he had a heart attack and his heart stopped. We think, Josiah died because his cord became twisted and kinked long enough for him to be without oxygen – but those are the only ways I can gain any comfort from ‘everything happens for a reason’
‘God never gives you more than you can handle’ I recently shared an article on facebook about confronting this very saying, and it summed it up well, but I will put it in my words. This is another saying which I used to take comfort in. It’s a lie. God often gives us much more than we can handle. I think a better way to say this is ‘God will give you the strength to get through all things’. I think when we stop trying to handle and are honest in the pain and struggles we are going through that God meets us in that and gives us peace.
‘You are young, you can have more kids’ We are young. That is true. We hopefully can also have other kids. But they will never be Josiah. We will never get Josiah back. If you are a parent already, think of one of your children, think of your first child. Imagine if they were never in your life, take away smile, every laugh, every tear, every time they have amazed you with something new, or you have just watched them doing something they do all the time. Take away every moment, and everything they brought into your life and will bring into your life as they grow up. And now just know that you were supposed to have that child and don’t get to anymore. Now imagine someone tell you, ‘you can have more’ You can never replace that child. I will never have another Josiah, and I also wouldn’t want to put that on the other kids I will have. I hope they can grow up and be themselves and bring us all the joy, hope, and love that they can, as themselves, not to make up for the missing piece in our lives.
The episode of Grey’s ends with Izzie still on the bathroom floor saying she wants to be able to get up and do all the things people want her to, but she doesn’t know what happened and she doesn’t know how to be this person. When a person is in such deep heartache and grief, they don’t recognize their own life, they don’t know how to be a person in it, let alone themselves. So think. Think about the things you say to them as they learn how to be this new person. Think about what things you will say to make them feel better – and think beyond that to what they are really saying.
I’ve found the most helpful things said to us in our grief were words of honesty. ‘It sucks’ and not needing to fill silence because you are uncomfortable. The grieving person does not expect you to have some magical words which will heal their broken hearts – there are none. We were told to be gentle with ourselves and offered God’s peace and those were not painful clichés.
