Transitions are hard. Grief is hard. Sometimes, life is just hard.
:: TRANSITIONS :: Recently my husband and I happily accepted calls to serve a congregation in Little Rock, Arkansas. We have been excited about this call and congregation since we first heard about them and still are. We feel this is where God is calling our family and has prepared us to use our gifts. One thing I seemed to forget in all the excitement is that no matter how right the transition is and how wonderful the new thing will be, transitions are hard. We are used to transitions. This move is my 20th move, the 7th city I have lived in, Noah’s 3rd state to live in in his 18 months of life. I am used to moving. I am used to new. I am used to transitions. I probably overly romanticized this one, likely because we have been in transition since we got engaged over 5 years ago. We knew at that point that seminary was on the horizon for Josh (I was still an unknown) and we were preparing to leave the life we had grown to love, the ministry we loved, and the place we became us, let alone it is the place I called home. We moved to Iowa for seminary. We moved to family housing after our first year because our family was growing. We moved to Chicago our 3rd year for the opportunity to learn from the experience of ministry internships. And our final year we were happy to move back to the campus that became our home away from home and to being one step closer to being sent out. While each of these transitions offered new joys, each also was difficult in its own way. This last move to our first call was one I’d been waiting for anxiously with joy for a while. We would finally get to live somewhere that 9 months in, we wouldn’t feel like we should start pulling out the boxes and sorting what comes and what goes. We could start to feel at home. And for some reason, the excitement of that whole idea made me forget that no matter how great the opportunities are waiting for you, the road to get there is not easy.
:: GRIEF :: As many of you know, but some of you may not, 3 years ago today, our first son, Josiah, was stillborn at 37-weeks. When I think back to this time in our lives it is hard to even fully remember it. I remember many of the details, but the sequence is a blur of a week of the greatest joy, to hold our son, and the greatest sorrow, to know that was all we would get to spend with him and he was not there. There are certain senses that are triggered and bring it all back as if I was living it now. That is the odd thing about grief 3 years out. I knew it had to get easier because everyone told me at some point everything of your life stops being so hard, I think it was best explained as, it doesn’t actually get easier to not have that person with you, but the rawness of the heartache gets less. You never get over your baby (or anyone!) dying. You don’t really move on. You just keep going because the days don’t ask if you are ready or feel like it, they just come and amongst the death you are feeling and living, life somehow continues.
:: LIFE :: Last night, I was talking to a good friend about how difficult transitions are and how much I just want to feel settled. I was telling her how I feel kind of ridiculous for feeling like this is the most stressful time in our life (two new jobs, new city, new apartment, trying to buy a house, Noah starting daycare, baby on the way, and more, but you get the picture) so I felt overwhelmed with my life and pointed out that 3 years ago our baby died, and somehow right now things seem more stressful and that is ridiculous. I am grateful for good friends in times like these, because she reminded me that this is a stressful time and even though our baby died 3 years ago, we are still allowed to just have regular bad days.
So in a roundabout way, this reminds me of the advice given to Josh and me about 3 years ago, advice that I found so helpful and begging of reminder that I named this blog after it, yet somehow still always forget. But here it is: be gentle with yourselves.
Be gentle because life is hard. Be gentle because sometimes you just need a break. Be gentle because it won’t always go as easy as you thought it would, but it doesn’t mean that it is not still something God is calling you to. I would even add to this advice, at least to myself for now, be honest with yourself also. Be honest that it’s not easy.
God does not need you to beat yourself up about the things that trouble you and God also does not need you to lie about how it’s going.
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